


Regret

by bipabrena



Series: Eruri one-shots and general substories [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Very soft Levi, because soft and adoring Levi is my weakness, sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:53:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23678701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bipabrena/pseuds/bipabrena
Summary: After the Battle of Shiganshina, Levi changes. His devotion and loyalty towards Erwin seems to grow into something stronger, something fiercer. Was it because he almost lost him? Was it fear of losing him again? Or was it that nearly losing him helped him realise, after all these years, that these weren't new feelings; rather that he'd always felt this way?ORLevi is desperate and can't come to terms with his exceedingly strong feelings towards Erwin, and he drinks himself stupid. He tries seducing him, and things don't quite go as planned. Set months after chapter 84. Erwin was obviously given the serum.I'm so bad at summaries rip
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Series: Eruri one-shots and general substories [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1306073
Comments: 17
Kudos: 109





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about a year and a half ago, almost two years. It was initially going to be part of a chapter for my "A Second Chance" fan-fiction (https://archiveofourown.org/works/16068947/chapters/37520006), but the plot has changed, so there was no use for this.
> 
> So, I'm adding it as an Eruri sub-story. Hope you enjoy. :)

Erwin walked past Levi’s door, but stopped in his heel when noticing the light was still on.

_He’s still up?_

Erwin knocked on the door, unsure of whether he should. Perhaps Levi was asleep, but left the light on.

“Who is it?” he heard from the other side of the door, instead of the usual _“name and business.”_ Erwin furrowed his brows. There was something distinct about Levi’s voice.

“It’s Erwin,” was his response.

He heard the sudden scraping of a chair, and slight ruffling. “Come in,” he responded.

Erwin opened the door gently. He peeked his head, and saw Levi sitting at his immaculately organised desk. There was an open bottle of whisky, and an empty shot glass in Levi’s hand.

“Levi,” Erwin muttered, brows rising in surprise “What are you doing drinking at this hour?”

There was something oddly endearing about the way Levi looked right now. His cravat was slightly undone, and his hands now cupped the small shot glass.

He paused and looked up, trying to find an answer.

“I don’t know.”

Vague but honest answer.

“I see,” Erwin closed the door behind him. “Is it okay if I join you?”

Levi’s tired eyes bore into Erwin’s. He then looked down at the way his hands cupped the small glass.

“Why not,” he shrugged.

Erwin sat across him. Something was off.

He grabbed the bottle of whisky, and his pinky accidentally brushed against Levi’s hand. This made Levi perk up and look at his hand.

His heart accelerated slightly.

Erwin was about to pour himself a shot, but looked around Levi’s desk to find no other glass.

“Ah,” Levi slid his own to Erwin. “I don’t have another one. Sorry.”

Erwin smiled at him.

He did so with frequency. He smiled at Levi when he saw snow for the first time, he smiled at Levi when he first drank high-quality tea—he smiled at Levi whenever he exceeded expectations.

But it just felt different to Levi. Not just his smile, Erwin in general just made him feel something weird, something that made him nervous and worried at the same time. A feeling in the pit of his stomach, which expanded to his chest and throat if he thought about it **_too_** much.

He observed Erwin as he drank the shot and squeezed his eyes shut, observed him as he wiped the corner of his mouth with his thumb—the way he smiled at him when he noticed him staring. That stupid fucking smile again.

He suddenly felt the reflexive need to put his hand on his chest. As though it hurt.

“Levi?” Erwin leaned forward. “What’s wrong?”

He gripped his cravat tighter. He didn’t notice himself breathing faster.

His heart felt out of control, he was lost in a trance, and moments later his reverie was interrupted when he looked up and met Erwin’s concerned face, a hand holding his cheek.

“What?”

“You’re burning up,” Erwin said.

He was about to let go off his cheek to place the back of his hand on Levi’s forehead, but the moment the skin contact ceased, Levi held Erwin’s hand and put it back on his cheek.

Where it belonged, he thought.

He closed his eyes and sighed, pressing Erwin’s hand tighter against him.

Erwin could only stare in confusion. He tried to get his hand back, but Levi immediately strengthened his grip.

He grabbed Levi’s wrist with his other hand and put it down. “I think that’s enough for you.”

He stood up and put away the alcohol, while Levi’s eyes never stopped following him. He couldn’t stop thinking about Erwin holding him again.

“Are you leaving?” he asked.

“Yes,” he responded. “Well, no. I’m going to put you to bed first. I’m not sure what’s going on, Levi, but I’m worried.”

“You’re worried about me?” Levi perked up, leaning forward.

“Yes,” Erwin stopped to look at him, holding a sweatshirt and pants. “You’re not being yourself lately. I want you to take the day off tomorrow, and, before you reproach, that’s an order.”

“But—“

“I said that’s an order,” Erwin said sternly, approaching him. He handed him the fresh clothes. “Take a shower and put these on. I’ll go brew some tea for you meanwhile, alright?”

The tingly feeling in Levi’s stomach started to make him nauseous.

“I also want you to visit Dr. Adler tomorrow. Right now it’s probably the alcohol, but I just want to make sure you’re not ill.”

“No, I…”

No, he wasn’t ill. Well, yes. In theory, he should be ill.

Racing heart. High temperature. Tingly stomach. Nausea.

But it was a different kind of ill, one Levi wasn’t familiar with. One that worried him immensely, but he also liked a little.

“Just go,” Erwin commanded. He handed him the clothes again. “Now freshen up.”

Levi looked up at him.

God, he was so…

He was just so…

He grabbed the clothes.

“I’ll be back. I won’t take too long.”

Erwin held the door handle, waiting for Levi to reply.

“Okay,” Levi mumbled.

Erwin smiled at him then shut the door.

Levi stared at the door for a full minute. He then looked at the clothes on his lap, and brought them to his face. He smelled them gently.

He had only held them for a moment, but Levi just wanted to know if they smelled like **_him_**.

They didn’t, of course.

He placed the folded clothes on his bed and headed to the bathroom. He unbuckled the straps, undressing slowly. He put a hand over his chest again, grunting.

God, he didn’t understand what was happening to him. He felt so distraught, but he didn’t understand why. He had never felt like this before.

He knew Erwin was the one making him feel this way, but he didn’t know why.

He looked down at his naked body and slowly ran his hand up from his iliac region to his pectorals. For a moment he wondered whether he was attractive, and if Erwin had ever imagined how Levi looked in this vulnerable state.

The possibility that yes, he might have, sent shivers down his spine.

He took a quick shower, hoping that perhaps when he went back to his room, slightly wet and with nothing but a towel wrapped around him, Erwin would be there.

Maybe he would feel something. Something he didn’t feel for anyone else.

He decided to stay in the bathroom for a little longer, to wait for Erwin; for him to knock and ask if he was okay.

And less than five minutes later, his expectancy came to life.

“Levi?” he heard two knocks.

“Yes, I’m done,” he said. He ruffled his hair, slicking it back.

He opened the door. As expected, there was Erwin, holding a tray. It had a cup of tea and a glass of water.

Levi was wet—his muscular and taut abdomen, every indent of his muscles glistened and his hair stuck to his face despite having slicked it back moments prior. He strengthened his grip on the towel, just to highlight his arm muscles a little.

Deep down, he felt pathetic for what he was doing.

Erwin simply looked down at him. He placed the cup and glass on the night-stand, then looked back at Levi. “Goodnight,” he smiled. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Levi’s lips parted, and he leaned forward in slight desperation as he saw Erwin’s back turned to him.

_T-that’s it?_

“Wait,” he called to Erwin, taking two steps forward. Erwin looked back.

“What’s wrong, Levi?”

Levi just stared at him, heart still racing. Erwin looked down at his stomach, noticing how it quickly rose. He was merely concerned, but Levi felt victorious at the feat, taking it the wrong way—thinking his plan had worked.

“Don’t go,” Levi took another step forward.

Erwin instinctively leaned back.

The shorter man just looked at him in expectation, awaiting a response, awaiting a signal, **_something._**

“Okay,” Erwin said after a moment. “I’ll be at the desk while you get dressed.”

Levi grit his teeth in desperation. “That’s not a problem, I can get dressed quickly. So, you don’t have to leave.”

At this point, Erwin was just crept out. He couldn’t stop asking himself what Levi was playing at. This wasn’t his Captain.

“Levi…” his brows furrowed and eyes narrowed in slight… suspicion? What was it, really? “Is there something you wish to discuss?”

Levi took another step, now very little distance between their bodies. Erwin could almost feel the heat radiating off him.

Unsettledness? Yes, that’s exactly it.

“You don’t have to talk like that,” Levi’s expression softened fondly, much to Erwin’s horror. Since when was Levi capable of looking like that? _“Is it okay if,” “Wish to,” “May I,”_ Levi perked up to break distance between their faces. Damn his height, he thought. “You don’t have to be so formal around me.”

Erwin opened his mouth to take a big inhale, then held his breath, looking down at Levi.

Then, the Commander broke. He rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously.

Levi took it as a good sign, and grinned at him hopefully.

“I-I guess I am too formal,” he smiled nervously at Levi. “We have known each other for a long time, after all.”

Levi didn’t respond, he just fondly smiled at him.

“Regardless, I don’t want to invade your privacy. I’ll be right outside your room while you dress.”

Levi wanted to hold his arm the moment he spun to leave. Why didn’t he stay? He just said he didn’t mind Erwin staying.

He clicked his tongue in annoyance when the door to the room shut. As he got dressed, Erwin sat on the desk, pulling his shirt back and forth to fan his neck. He had no idea what was going on. Levi wasn’t being himself lately, he had been strange, but tonight trumped his previous behaviours.

But Erwin felt terrible for feeling so unsettled around his Captain, someone dear and of trust to him who had served him so well. He figured he had drunk too much, and that perhaps the weight he constantly carried on his shoulders got to him this particular night.

Levi, too, was human. Erwin knew it. Where everyone saw the scary, ruthless looking Captain, Erwin knew better. He knew that, despite the appearances, the sass and snarkiness, Levi valued each and every subordinate, he valued life more than anyone—Levi was kinder than anyone.

The tiny man he picked up from the underground, the one that trumped Mike back then as humanity’s strongest soldier, who had lived in filth and violence—was kinder than anyone he had ever met.

Where everyone saw Humanity’s Strongest, Erwin saw Levi Ackerman, the man.

His invaluable Captain and dear friend.

But this didn’t make him immune from the unsettledness he was putting Erwin through right now, even if he felt guilty for feeling this way.

The door opened. Levi peeked his head, embarrassed. “I… I’m done.”

“O-okay,” Erwin replied. He went back to the pristine room, awkwardly holding his hands behind his back.

And his mouth hung when he saw, for the first time in his life, the great Levi Ackerman furiously blushing. It was as though steam was emanating from his cheeks.

“My God, Levi,” Erwin bolted to him. “You’re burning up!” he rose his voice. He sat him on the bed, alarmingly concerned. “Just what is going on with you?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Levi closed his eyes, sighing. His lips curved down as he then looked away in further embarrassment at having Erwin so close to him. “I don’t think I’ve been well lately.”

Erwin’s brows furrowed in guilt. He felt unsettled, slightly mortified at worst, by Levi’s behaviour tonight, but now he just felt like utter shit. Levi was simply ill. He didn’t feel well lately, and he hadn’t asked about it. Perhaps he truly was sad as well, and needed someone to confide in. Erwin had had Mike, still had Hange—but he never thought Levi, despite being close to them **_and_** him, had never confided to anyone about his feelings.

Perhaps Levi wanted to open up to him, and he misinterpreted that.

_What do I do?_ He bit his inner lip. _What do I tell him?_

“It’s okay,” he cupped Levi’s neck with his left hand. He grabbed the glass of water with the other and put it to Levi’s lips. As he drank, Levi looked at him with half-lidded eyes.

“If there’s anything you need to talk about, you do know you can confide in me, right?” Erwin looked at him with determined eyes.

Levi then smiled softly.

“But for now, it’s best if you go to sleep. Rest, okay?” He held the back of Levi’s head as he gently pushed his chest back. “Tomorrow you’ll see Dr. Adler and then we can talk about whatever you want.”

Levi nodded as he closed his eyes.

After some time, not knowing exactly how long, but enough for him to think Levi fell asleep, he softly muttered _“Good night,”_ and stood up to leave, but felt a tug at his sleeve.

He looked down at a half-lidded Levi, who pushed down his sleeve, almost imploringly. “Don’t…” he begged.

Erwin sat back down, as Levi sat up. “What is it?”

“I…” Levi paused, heart racing. “I…”

He whimpered in frustration.

“What’s wrong?” his brows furrowed worriedly, the concern for Levi’s well-being growing immensely.

He sat expectantly, looking at Levi, who he then noticed was breaking the distance between their faces. Levi held on to his arm, weakly, but in a strange way, also imploringly, like begging Erwin to please not move.

Erwin’s mouth hung and his eyes widened massively in shock as he realised what was going on.

He felt the softest kiss being placed on his lips, and the grip on his shirt grew tighter and more desperate, as Levi leaned forward and tried to deepen it.

Erwin was too shocked to move.

Levi’s head then dropped to Erwin’s chest, his forehead resting on it. He felt Levi’s hand run down to his forearm, clutching the fabric of his sleeve, pulling it towards him, as though asking Erwin for a hug.

A broken groan escaped Erwin. It was all he could muster.

He could feel his heart thumping on his ears.

“You’ve had too much to drink,” he attempted to jest, trying to pull away from Levi.

“No, no,” Levi looked at him, eyes almost closed. He tugged the collar of Erwin’s shirt. “No, that’s not it.”

He was about to lean in again and Erwin could only think one thing.

_Oh, fuck._

Not knowing what the fuck to do, he held Levi’s shoulder and pushed him back. “L-Levi, it’s the alcohol sp—“

“No, it’s not, no… I…” He looked up at Erwin, tugging him closer to him. “Erwin, I…”

Erwin desperately tried to pull back, but shit, Levi was strong.

“It’s not, I…” Levi leaned in and tried to kiss Erwin again. “Erwin, I…”

_Holy fuck,_ Erwin’s mind raced.

“Ah…” Erwin whimpered. “Ah!” this time loudly, in panic.

Levi didn’t care, as he sleepily kissed Erwin’s neck. He continued his silent affections, his hands continued wandering Erwin, and his nose nuzzled his neck as Levi's lips softly meandered across Erwin's neck.

Erwin called his name, he tried to pull back, but Levi didn't stop.

“Levi!” Erwin shouted, which jolted Levi awake from fright.

“Huh?” He muttered, now almost fully awake.

He then realised how much he had fucked up when he looked at Erwin’s mortified expression, and how tightly he was holding his wrists.

“What…” Erwin leaned back. “What are you doing?”

Levi’s eyes widened. “I… what?”

Wrinkles formed around his eyes and his lips curved down in horror at the realisation of the situation. He looked down as his jaw trembled, not knowing what to respond.

_He… didn’t like it?_

Erwin stood up, breaking distance.

Levi’s eyes narrowed sadly, feeling absolutely pathetic. More pathetic than he ever had in his life.

"I... I don't know why I—"

"Don't worry," Erwin said. "You've drunk quite heftily tonight. I don't blame you," he smiled sincerely, "you know I've been doing so myself. Shiganshina... it's been quite a grim memory. I won't fault you for trying to forget, even if for a moment."

As pathetic, cheesy and trite as it sounded, Levi could only feel something in his chest akin to something breaking.

Was that really what Erwin thought? That Levi was merely drunk?

What did he have to do?

All the years of devotion and loyalty aside, what about recent events?

What did Levi have to do so Erwin looked at him that way again...? Like he did in the basement? What did he have to do to be held in his arms again?

Was that a spur of the moment? Was Erwin too lost on childlike excitement, hence his grateful words towards Levi? Was that all that hug meant back then?

Was Levi simply delusional?

Erwin didn't catch a single sign, however subtle, that Levi threw at him. All he wanted was to be with him. But he never realised this.

Why couldn't Erwin just understand Levi's feelings? Why did he blame it on the alcohol?

Perhaps it was for the best, Levi thought.

Because, clearly, Erwin didn't reciprocate.

And it made him feel like the most pathetic thing in the world. Like a bug.

It felt like something frail inside him had broken, something frail like a teacup. His chest hurt, but he didn’t know why. Or rather, the explanation seemed pathetic, and he refused to face reality.

Seeing Levi in such a vulnerable state puzzled Erwin, but it also brought him great remorse.

Perhaps he was too quick to judge. It surprised him to see Levi so vulnerable, but he shouldn't be puzzled for it. It wasn't just that Levi felt every loss harder than anyone, or that he was kinder than anyone Erwin had ever met. It was the simple fact that so much had happened lately—and he _**had**_ mellowed down since he found out Kenny was his only family and died.

He possibly was looking for comfort. It wasn’t rare for people to do that—especially in the Survey Corps.

Erwin himself had done it. Mike had done it. Hange, Nanaba, amongst other veterans and recruits alike. Some found the comfort amongst themselves, others in bars.

Even some of the soldiers from the new and talented 104th had, or so he had heard.

Levi was simply held on such an unattainable standard, despite the affections many had for him, that Erwin didn’t imagine him doing the same. Erwin simply happened to be there.

He cleared his throat. “Levi, you’re not feeling well. You drank too much tonight. You’re not thinking clearly. So—”

“Tch,” Levi clicked. “You’re right. This is why I don’t drink.”

The dull eyes returned, as had the impatient, sassy tone. Like nothing had ever happened. This gave Erwin some peace of mind.

“The tea’s probably cold by now. Do you want me to bring you a new batch?”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Levi plopped on the mattress. “I’m going to sleep now. My head hurts.”

No, it wasn’t his head what hurt.

“Alright,” Erwin spun to leave. “And, Levi,” he held the door-frame as he looked back at him. “About tonight, don’t worry about it. Alcohol makes us do silly things sometimes.”

“Whatever, old man,” he crossed his arms. “Just forget it ever happened.”

Erwin rose a brow at him, smirking. “Old man? How many times do I have to keep telling you we’re almost the same age?”

Levi rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue. “You’re still older. Now get out of here, I need some shut-eye.”

Erwin laughed, which tugged at Levi’s heart. That laugh. It was so…

“Alright, alright, I’m leaving. Don’t forget tomorrow’s your day off. Show your face for work,” he shook his finger at him. “And there’ll be hell to pay.”

Levi rolled to his side, turning his back to Erwin. “Yeah.”

While Erwin left with some peace of mind, Levi had been left in the dark, jaw trembling.

He couldn’t believe what he had just done, and how insignificant it made him feel.

That night, he didn’t sleep at all. He had eventually gotten up to sit on the floor at one of the corners of his room, hugging his legs, half of his face hidden behind his knees.

After an hour of staring at nothing, replaying what had happened over and over again—how he had kissed Erwin, how he had loved it, but how unsettled and shocked Erwin had looked, how mortified—he tucked his head between his knees.

Embarrassed. In pain. Not knowing how he’d face Erwin the next day.

He had the excuse of alcohol under his sleeve, one Erwin seemed to wholeheartedly believe. But it didn’t make him feel any better.

He now knew it—he wasn’t just devoted and loyal. He was absolutely, irrevocably in love with Erwin Smith. He had made a fool out of himself because of it, and paid for it.

Falling in love is the stupidest shit he could have ever done.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, please leave some kudos or a comment. It'd mean so much! Add any criticism (good or bad) you'd like, too.
> 
> If you want to send me writing prompts or fan-girl over Eruri (god I love them), here's my Tumblr: https://bipabrena.tumblr.com/


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